Thursday, April 14, 2011


Sometimes I don't think I'm a leader at all. Other times, like now, I'm not sure. In tense situations, I don't see what needs to be done. I wait for someone else to point it out, and then if they need help, I do it. I'm a follower. It takes strength to be a follower. My dad is a bit of an example. He's not really a leader. He and mom, together, lead the family. I think that's how it should be. I'm not really sure on that point, either.
I have goals. A big one is NaNoWriMo. Write 50k in a month, well, that was easy. It wasn't hard the first time, the second time, the time after that or last November. I have determination, but that's the only thing I have it for. Writing. The only reason I got out of my addiction was because a friend of mine basically shoved me into a program. I knew what I was doing was wrong, I knew about the program, but without him, I wouldn't have ever gotten into it unless someone led me to that point and shoved me in.
And then sometimes I think I'm becoming a leader. It's weird. And it's not in the way I expected. It's not out of the computer most of the time... usually it's in gaming. I've noticed that when I start suggesting for people to do things, THEY FOLLOW on Combat Arms now. Maybe it's because I'm generally not a jerk online like 98% of the people my rank. I'm (hopefully) generally fun to be around.
An example would be a Rattlesnake game. I told someone that there were three on top of the stairs and if they had an accurate gun (SCAR-L, M416-M417, G36E) they could get headshots and take them out quickly. Within thirty seconds, four of us were on top of the stairs and someone had gotten either a multi or an ultra kill (I can't remember which). After that, when we were in the box room, we were being boxed in (puny right? xD) and the opposing team was coming in. I said, "Someone sneak around and take them from behind while we hold them off" and someone actually did. The second-best player on the team (I don't remember his username, just that he had a skull mask, a tanker vest and used a G36E) did what I suggested and ended up getting a fantastic (w00t) and owned the opposing team. For the rest of that match, I made suggestions and someone followed through.
That's one kind of leading. How about leading myself?
I have strengths that I use to lead myself. Today's a massive battlefield for spiritual salvation. So many people are numb out there. I was one, and then after I broke (woke up), I started feeling, and I realized that I'm honorable. It was a VERY WEIRD REALIZATION FOR ME. I have a bit of a problem with self-loathing, but even in that state I realized that I'm honorable. Even Danny pointed it out. I said that I didn't want to go on my mission if I wasn't ready, and he said that I knew myself well enough to know my faults and if I really am ready or not. I was honorable to admit that I was not clean enough to go on my mission yet.
I'm SO CLOSE to being ready. SO CLOSE! I'm working rapidly on being worthy to enter the Temple again. Something I've been looking forward to since I started doing Sons of Helaman.
I'm leading myself to happiness. Since I was kinda shoved into Sons of Helaman, I've really been working at it. This is day 66, and I'm still rocking. I'm having mood battles, and they're still ruthless, but I'm having much more control over being happy or not. I'm grinning right now. :D I like being happy.
So... I am a leader, then. Maybe not a leader of men... but a leader of a man.


Kendra Logan said...

That last line was seriously profound. My face did this:


That was powerful.

~Stephanie :)

Camellia Day said...

Dude, I think I have to agree. Kind of rocked my world.

X2 said...

Thanks you two. :) It didn't seem profound at the time, but now I go back and read it and realize you're right.