A dragon's scroll

Don't expect another post here.

2011-06-13T22:18:00.002-06:00

I'm not going to post here any more. It's been a good long run, blogger, but I have a website now, and I'm going to use it.
http://scerythlabs.com

If you wrote your autobiography, what would the title be?

2011-05-23T21:36:00.001-06:00

"Breaking: Are you going to be a chicken or a phoenix from the ashes?"

Ask me anything

How are you? Do you miss me? Cause I don't miss me, cause I'm with me, and all the funny voices in my head. Do you have funny voices in your head? I get in arguments with them a lot. I've stopped talking to them, it has been a week since we've last talked

2011-05-23T21:35:00.001-06:00

...the strange thing is, most people would think you're nuts, but I'm pretty sure there are other voices inside your head other than your own. :P

Ask me anything

Are you planning on serving a mission?

2011-05-23T21:34:00.001-06:00

Yep/

Ask me anything

what's your top 5 horror movies?

2011-05-21T14:17:00.001-06:00

Who cares about top five, seeing you in the shower would scar anyone far more than a horror movie.

Ask me anything

hello there have a nice day btw i just typed in a random name in the URL so yeah um but you're cool

2011-05-21T14:16:00.001-06:00

...uh, thanks.

Ask me anything

Uh, okay, fail, Blogger?

2011-05-08T18:52:00.000-06:00

There's no way to edit the HTML/CSS of the actual blog anymore. Or, at least, I can't find the option. Annoying? Yes. I want to update it so it isn't halloween anymore. :P

Shader

2011-05-08T18:43:00.001-06:00

Another day, another time. Right now I need to focus. Shader told himself, focusing on regulating his breathing to make it easier to hold his rifle stable. It had been nearly a week since he had seen any kind of life inside the old western church chapel he'd taken refuge inside. Nothing bigger than a rat.

A rat would be a welcome change from this mindless monotony. Shader thought inside his head, blinking sleep back. He pinched himself to make him stay awake, but his eyes drooped anyway. He saw something push into the room and fired his rifle out of reflex. It hit whatever was there, but even the noise from the weapon discharging couldn't keep Shader awake. His eyes drooped and he fell asleep.

"Ouch," came a voice from somewhere nearby. Shader sat up instantly, looking around wildly. Judging by the daylight... he'd never fallen asleep. It was dusk, still.

"Hello?" Shader whispered. He paused as something touched the bare skin of his right shoulder. He felt someone gently start to turn him around. He looked behind him and saw a girl a few years older than him with dark red hair and dark blue eyes looking at him. She was pretty, he noticed. Her shirt was dirty, but long in length and sleeves. It was a dark green color. Her pants were brown shorts that went to just above her knees.

"Who're you!?" Shader asked, backing up. He felt his palm slide off of the edge of the ledge he had fallen asleep on and stopped moving. The girl raised an eyebrow and asked, "Were you the one that fired that gun?" and pointed to his sniper rifle lying beside her.

"Yeah, what about it?" Shader asked, wishing he could back up more. His head was starting to swim again.

"You hit me." She said. She winced and tapped her leg, which had a bandage around the edge of her thigh.

"Oh no... I'm sorry." Shader said earnestly. "That wasn't my--I mean, I thought you were--"

"I know. I should have figured someone else was in here." She said. She opened her bandage and took a look at the wound.

"If I don't get something on it soon, it'll get infected." She muttered to herself.

"I have some antiseptic." Shader offered. She looked up at him and saw two things in her eyes: hope and suspicion.

"Do you really have some?" She asked. Shader nodded.

"What should I call you?" She asked, suspicion still evident in her eyes.

"Shader." He answered, with a slight smile. Some of her suspicion melted away.

"I'm Sift."

"Sift?" Shader asked. She nodded. "I'm good at finding things buried inside of other things. Although I usually sift through emotion and not physical piles." Sift admitted. Shader smiled a little bit more. He was starting to like Sift.

"How long was I sleeping for?" Shader asked Sift. She looked at the light coming in from the broken rooftop opening to their right.

"Almost exactly twenty-four hours ago. You slept like a rock. It wasn't easy to get up here, and it would've been a lot easier if you had been awake to help me." Sift said. Shader frowned.

"I couldn't fight it anymore. I was too tired to think. The only reason I hit you with my gun was because I have trained a reflex thingy to fire whenever I see movement." Shader said.

"Why?" Sift asked, raising an eyebrow.

"In case someone comes in... usually I hit the head or chest, so you're lucky." Shader said, trying to sound impressive. Sift smiled, showing white teeth, and Shader grinned.

Scaring myself

2011-05-02T19:02:00.002-06:00

I'm having depressed thoughts again. This is unusual lately because this is day 82. I had them most like day 30+. Maybe these aren't withdrawal related, but natural. That'd be a bit of a relief. That would at least mean that I'm over the stupid withdrawal symptoms and on to normal...ness.
Still. Not fun. *shrugs*

blinkblink

2011-04-27T21:31:00.002-06:00

Er, okay, so here goes:
Don't worship book series. Seriously, Harry Potter, Twilight, Wheel of Time, etc, they're still just books. Yeah, they may have some moral value, etc., but in the end they're probably not going to lead you to salvation, save your soul, and stuff like that. And especially Harry Potter and Twilight. Wheel of Time is FULL of Christian symbolism and such, but HP and Twitard? Yeah, there's some good stuff in HP, Twitard is just a good example of an abusive relationship (and a bunch of other creepy stuff), but in the end, it shouldn't be worshipped.
It shouldn't be your heart, mind and soul.
o_O

Sometimes

2011-04-23T21:42:00.003-06:00

I really don't know myself. I know what I would DO in situations, but does that mean I know me?
This should be a fascinating thing. A discovery of a new person inside an old shell. But right now I'm finding that I'm shell-shocked to discover that a lot of me was in my addiction. I hate it. Now that it's gone/being removed, I'm finding that I really don't know myself. I don't know what's around my core. My core is connection. But what's the filing in-between that and the shell?

On a random note, I truly do try not to care about my followers on buzz, twitter, etc., but since my core is connecting, and BEING CONNECTED to people, it's bothering me. Someone unfollows me on buzz and I wonder, "Did I say something wrong? Did I not reach out?"
Twitter is slightly different. There are so many bots that mostly I don't care, but when my lists go from like 40 to 32 in a day, it's a bit of a downer. I shouldn't care. I try not to. But it still irks me a bit.

Happy

2011-04-22T10:56:00.001-06:00

I’m happy. ALL THE TIME now. I love it. I love life right now. I’m amazed by God continually.

:D

Writing; let's see if what comes out makes sense.

2011-04-17T18:13:00.003-06:00

Yep, so, I want to make a habit of writing my thoughts down and having them MAKE SENSE. This may be a challenge for me. I'm not entirely spaghetti-brained (A tv OH LOOK a remote OH LOOK buttons PRESS THE BUTTONS... basically) but I do have a tendency to get VERY off topic.
I tend to gravitate towards lyrics. I, at my core, just want to connect to people. I'm figuring out what that means more and more, but if music is the language of the soul, then it makes sense that I gravitate towards songs and their messages. We're heavenly beings inside and earthly, mortal shell having a mortal experience, but at our core we're still beings of light, unless we give ourself to the Devil. Everyone has the light of Christ inside.
So everyone has a soul.
If everyone has a soul, and everyone's souls can connect with music, which is their language, then no wonder everyone likes music. I'm not exactly one to get around physically, but never have I met someone in person or virtually that dislikes all music. Rap, yes. Country, yes. Pop, yes. All music with all of its flavors and genres and etc? No. If I do, then I'm going to study this person intently, because I want to know what it is about them that makes them dislike music.
And if said person doesn't like the language of souls, of spirits, do they also not like souls/spirits themselves?

It's been said that I'm a very weird person. Well, honestly, I don't really care. I'm myself, that's good enough for God, that's good enough for those that love me, and while I'm always trying to improve, that's good enough for me as well.
This begs the question, what of the people who aren't liked? If you attract things that have the same amount of light as you, or similar light, and you attract people who're nearly surviving with the lights out, what does that say about you? Your character? Your very being?
Are you a creature of both worlds, of light and dark, or are you a creature of light living in a shadow?
Was I that person? Back when I was still in the addiction?
Nay. Every so often I would have a thought burst in that said "I should not be in this. I'm too good to do this."
I dislike vanity. I really do. I want to be humble. I wish I was more humble.
Being humble, however, isn't being powerless. Meek is not weak. I'm not saying I'm overly powerful or extremely awesome because of that thought I had. I don't want to come across as vain, either.
YET. I have the friends that I have, and we attract the same light that we have inside. I have extremely powerful friends. Madi, Cameron, Kirsten, Hilton, Josh, Lacy... they're all powerful beyond measure. And while I may not be quite to that level yet, I'm working at it. I apparently have some part of that inside of me, so yes, I am powerful. The part of me inside, the soul, broke out every so often and said "GET OUT OF THIS, I'M DYING IN HERE". A few minutes ago, I didn't see that. Now I do.
I'm weird because I'm not afraid to be myself online. I'm usually a quiet, nonchalant, controlled person. Then you get me online and I say things like "ohyes" "I love you!" "YOU'RE AMAZING" and I write posts like this one and the one previous, and I'm an entirely different person, it seems like.
If I have to be weird to be myself, so be it. Maybe your perception of weird or mine of normal is flawed in the first place. We are, after all, every one of us a child of God.

Well, that made sense, hopefully, now if I could only figure out what my message was. Be yourself and don't apologize; if you're following God's commandments, if you're causing many more true smiles than tears, if you're lifting instead of dragging down, then it would seem to me that you're a good man or woman.
Be yourself - but be the you God meant you to be.

Hmm.

2011-04-14T18:49:00.004-06:00

Sometimes I don't think I'm a leader at all. Other times, like now, I'm not sure. In tense situations, I don't see what needs to be done. I wait for someone else to point it out, and then if they need help, I do it. I'm a follower. It takes strength to be a follower. My dad is a bit of an example. He's not really a leader. He and mom, together, lead the family. I think that's how it should be. I'm not really sure on that point, either.
I have goals. A big one is NaNoWriMo. Write 50k in a month, well, that was easy. It wasn't hard the first time, the second time, the time after that or last November. I have determination, but that's the only thing I have it for. Writing. The only reason I got out of my addiction was because a friend of mine basically shoved me into a program. I knew what I was doing was wrong, I knew about the program, but without him, I wouldn't have ever gotten into it unless someone led me to that point and shoved me in.
And then sometimes I think I'm becoming a leader. It's weird. And it's not in the way I expected. It's not out of the computer most of the time... usually it's in gaming. I've noticed that when I start suggesting for people to do things, THEY FOLLOW on Combat Arms now. Maybe it's because I'm generally not a jerk online like 98% of the people my rank. I'm (hopefully) generally fun to be around.
An example would be a Rattlesnake game. I told someone that there were three on top of the stairs and if they had an accurate gun (SCAR-L, M416-M417, G36E) they could get headshots and take them out quickly. Within thirty seconds, four of us were on top of the stairs and someone had gotten either a multi or an ultra kill (I can't remember which). After that, when we were in the box room, we were being boxed in (puny right? xD) and the opposing team was coming in. I said, "Someone sneak around and take them from behind while we hold them off" and someone actually did. The second-best player on the team (I don't remember his username, just that he had a skull mask, a tanker vest and used a G36E) did what I suggested and ended up getting a fantastic (w00t) and owned the opposing team. For the rest of that match, I made suggestions and someone followed through.
That's one kind of leading. How about leading myself?
I have strengths that I use to lead myself. Today's a massive battlefield for spiritual salvation. So many people are numb out there. I was one, and then after I broke (woke up), I started feeling, and I realized that I'm honorable. It was a VERY WEIRD REALIZATION FOR ME. I have a bit of a problem with self-loathing, but even in that state I realized that I'm honorable. Even Danny pointed it out. I said that I didn't want to go on my mission if I wasn't ready, and he said that I knew myself well enough to know my faults and if I really am ready or not. I was honorable to admit that I was not clean enough to go on my mission yet.
I'm SO CLOSE to being ready. SO CLOSE! I'm working rapidly on being worthy to enter the Temple again. Something I've been looking forward to since I started doing Sons of Helaman.
I'm leading myself to happiness. Since I was kinda shoved into Sons of Helaman, I've really been working at it. This is day 66, and I'm still rocking. I'm having mood battles, and they're still ruthless, but I'm having much more control over being happy or not. I'm grinning right now. :D I like being happy.
So... I am a leader, then. Maybe not a leader of men... but a leader of a man.

What do you think the world will be like in 50 years?

2011-04-06T09:38:00.001-06:00

Hopefully a bit more filled with love, caring, and compassion than ours is today.

Ask me anything

?

2011-04-06T00:16:00.002-06:00

What do you say when you don't know what you are anymore?
What do you do when you can't tell how you're feeling?
What do you think when you know you are not numb, but you aren't nonchalant either?
How do I move when I already am?
How do I love more when my heart's already full to bursting?
How do I survive through the mood battles more and more?

Quotes from, er, well, me...

2011-04-05T11:19:00.001-06:00

"Love is bigger than anything, for love has no form. It simply is. It exists, it permeates everything, for it has no shape, and it is not limited in the physical. It is in itself a multiplicity of feelings, of words, thoughts, and actions in their purest form."

“Hugging: The ability to share deep, powerful emotions without saying anything. The act of loving without asking anything in return. The power to heal and the will to accept someone into your heart.”

And one Madi said that I redid:

‎”Love is unmeasurable. It cannot be stolen, nor bartered or traded. It cannot be bought nor sold, but only earned. If hoarded, it disappears - but it cannot be given too much, because it is as limitless as the hearts that contain it.” ~Madi Duggar
(I took her words and reworded it a bit, but it’s still totally hers.)

She’s awesome, pretty much.

Now I need to take on of Cameron's quotes and re-word it >_>

They scream 'Faceless' at me

2011-04-01T13:58:00.002-06:00

I'm not I'm not myself
Feel like I'm someone else
Rotten and faceless
So hollow hollow inside
A part of me is dead
Need you to live again
Can you replace this
I'm hollow hollow and faceless

I've said it before. But I know WHY they repeat it endlessly. I'm finding myself, FINALLY. Not the me of the past 5 years. The kid before that. The one that's waking up again. The one that says let's kick some ass in this spiritual war. The one that says BRING IT ON. The one that stood up for himself.
Satan and his minions don't want that Jordan. They want the pathetic one, the idiot one that rationalized EVERYTHING that got him into the mess he was in. That ain't me anymore. Repentance is getting a whole new block of wood, I think this block of wood came with an upgraded package called 'backbone and brains'.
I get inspiration, I get knowledge, I get GOING when I get ANGRY. Because then my mind forces itself to 'autocorrect' and it snaps back where it should be - the straight and narrow. I get angry, and I get smart.
Satan's intent right now is simply to bring me down. That's all the mood battles do.
Well, at Sons of Helaman, we have a little session where we basically ask, "What did you do to piss Satan off this week?"
That's where I am right now. I'm sick of being trodden on, made fun of, mocked, cursed, and scorn inside of MY OWN HEAD by him.

The line's been drawn. Turn it up a notch, I dare you.

I wish

2011-04-01T13:21:00.002-06:00

I wish I was better at Lindy.
That I didn't forget my steps,
that I always remembered to lift.
I wish that I was a better friend.
That I truly knew exactly what they needed to hear,
and how to phrase it.
I wish these mood battles would go away.

But none of it's gonna happen unless I act.

“Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan "press on" has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race”

The ONLY thing that's going to get me better at Lindy is to pay closer attention, to focus more and more on being able to make my mind control my body, instead of the other way around. The only way I'm going to be a better friend is if I become a better follower of Christ.

And the only way to survive a mood battle is pray.

Reversing the negative

2011-03-31T07:22:00.003-06:00

And this is how it feels when I ignore the words you spoke to me.
And this is where I lose myself when I keep running away from you.
And this is who I am when, when I don't know myself anymore.
And this is what I choose when it's all left up to me.

And this is how it looks when I am standing on the edge.
And this is how I break apart when I _finally_ hit the ground.
And this is how it hurts when I pretend I don't feel any pain.
And this is how I disappear when I throw myself away...

- - -

And this is how it feels when I keep the words you spoke to me.

And this is where I find myself as I walk beside you.

And this is who I am when I discover myself again.

And this is what I choose when it's all left up to me.

And this is how it looks when I am standing beside you.

And this is how I heal myself when I finally stand up off the ground.

And this is how it feels when I am no longer broken.

And this is how I live when I learn to love myself...

Mewd Battlez

2011-03-26T19:39:00.001-06:00

I'm not I'm not myself

Feel like I'm someone else

Rotten and faceless

So hollow hollow inside

A part of me is dead

Need you to live again

Can you replace this

I'm hollow hollow and faceless

I'm faceless

I'm hollow and faceless

Faceless

I haven't had one today, but that's what I feel like during a mood battle.

Do you believe in ghosts? Why or why not?

2011-03-26T18:17:00.001-06:00

Ghosts... or spirits?

Ask me anything

Are you better at using your brain or your brawn?

2011-03-19T12:02:00.001-06:00

Brain... I hope lol

Ask me anything

Grateful

2011-03-18T22:51:00.003-06:00

There's so much to be grateful for. I wasn't feeling it a few minutes ago, and then I reminded myself.
I have a house.
I have a house... with carpet.
I have a house with a heater.

I have electricity.

I have a loving family.

Of 9. And I trust them all.

My friends are spiritual giants.

My friends have great senses of humor.

My friends love me, and I love them back without conditions.

My friends believe in the same principles I do.

Music.

Belief.

Love.

Family.

Virtue.

Honor.

Morality.

I'm grateful for those qualities.

I'm grateful for being here.

I'm grateful for friends that stand by my side when I need them and are there even when I don't feel like I do.

I'm grateful for my clothes.

I'm grateful for my mentors.

For faith.

For knowledge.

For tolerance.

For temperance.

For God, above all; without Him, none of us would be here in the first place.

For scriptures.

For Hymns.

For my generation.
For feelings.

For height.

For color.

For bodies.

For tools.

For sound.

For life.

What are you grateful for?

Fight inside and Death of Me by Red

2011-03-18T20:26:00.001-06:00

Combine them.
You get what I was feeling like earlier today. I honestly thought that beating this addiction was going to kill me. I wasn't in physical pain, but the emotions sucked.

Eating habits

2011-03-15T22:52:00.003-06:00

I'm realizing that I'm not eating healthy. In fact, I barely eat at all. I'll often skip lunch without meaning to. This can be a serious detriment to my health! I wanna stay healthy!
I don't think it's an eating disorder, but I don't really know that much about them. I don't think it's anorexia either, since I'm not a beanpole anymore. But I'm not really sure what it is. When I eat what seems like it should be enough for an 18-year-old-guy, I feel like I'm about to throw up. My stomach churns and I've had times in Dance class where I felt like I needed to go and throw up. It's usually as we're having announcements.
When I do eat a bit, I feel strange, like I'm almost missing the feeling of being hungry. I HATE THAT FEELING, why should I miss it? It doesn't make sense to me. But just because it doesn't make sense doesn't mean it isn't there. I need to eat more, and a lot more, but having the food in the first place helps. :\

Feeling emo

2011-03-14T14:59:00.002-06:00

AND HATING IT. I feel like a whiny toddler got a hold of my brain and someone fed him pain pills. Yeesh, I'm taking everything personally.

My daily goals

2011-03-11T18:03:00.002-07:00

Are:
To do at least 25 pushups a night, and then do at least a full minute of a plank.
To go to the temple with my friends before I leave on a mission.
To treat everyone with the respect they deserve as a child of God.
To piss Satan off as much as I can. Because one of his primary goals is to make the daughters of Zion cry and have the men do nothing. And it pisses me off because it's working. Wake up, men, and feel! Being numb isn't going to get you into the Kingdom's of God!!

Music

2011-03-10T22:20:00.000-07:00

Music is the language of the soul. When people look at what you're listening to, they're looking at a part of you.
Agree? Disagree?

Weird.

2011-03-09T09:49:00.000-07:00

I look at myself...

I see myself in the mirror and it looks weird. I look OLDER. o_O I’ve grown, and realizing that is a strange concept to me. I’ve just always figured that I’d be about the same throughout life for some dumb reason.
It’s a strange feeling to see it in front of me.
When I saw my reflection in the mirror of dance class yesterday, I saw something weirder. I was standing up straight, and I looked strong instead of a beanpole. That was a strange feeling.

Stolen from my Tumblr

2011-03-07T21:52:00.001-07:00

I guess it's not really stolen if I say it... right? Anyway.

My friends

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. They inspire me, move me, love me, help me, learn with me, live alongside me and complete me in a fashion that few other things ever will. They stand beside me when the world’s not going my way. I hope I’m always at their side when they need me - no; even when they don’t need me, I want to be there. I love every single one so much. They mean more to me than they can imagine.

They stood beside me when I needed them. My fear that they wouldn’t was unfounded and unfaithful. I am sorry for that.

The hardest thing about the thought about leaving on my mission is the feeling I get of me missing out on their experiences. On their trials, their journey’s and experiences. I’m going to miss them… for maybe an entire day out of two years. After that, sorry guys, I’m gonna be too far into my mission and too focused on doing His work to worry too much about you.

But I swear, if you guys DON’T WRITE ME, I’m gonna… scripture quote you to death. Or something. >_>

Hehe.

-Jordan

I Have a Website

2011-03-05T20:24:00.003-07:00

Although technically it's just a domain name, but hey, it's MINE. >:D

http://scerythlabs.com

It'll be full of my rants, writing, and such. Unlike buzz, facebook, and here, I won't restrict myself to a few posts a day or a single quote (which I will be doing from now on :P). I'm going to post my thoughts, period.

Impact

2011-03-02T07:40:00.002-07:00

I'm losing steam and losing it fast because I lost the papers with all of my notes that I wrote at competition! Ahh! And my cast of characters is getting HUGE. More characters right now means less time writing and focusing on one single character.

Which is why right now it switches viewpoints like every half a page. There's too much going on in each place for me to focus very long on one particular place and it's starting to get frustrating.

There are like 13 characters now, and everyone is based on someone I know in real life. Except Ven. He's just the military guy that I'm putting in to show that not all of the troopers are like Devin. Ven is much more egotistical and will probably cause some tension among the characters, which will be both fun and hard to write.

Smack Down

2011-02-28T11:52:00.003-07:00

And I'm not tryin' to tell you

There won't be a lonely road

When it all comes down

You'll know just what to do

Come on, let's rip it, let's push that limit

If ya don't feel pain, that ya can't be winning

C'mon!

Times will be hard. That's a part of life. And if you're so numb you can't feel anything, how are you going to be able to push yourself and feel joy and life? Our purpose here is to ultimately go to Heaven and live with God. How are you going to do that if you can barely feel the Holy Ghost?

Too many people are numb. I was one. I'm feeling now, and it's a lot harder. Life was easier when it was numb. But Satan's plan was for life to be easy, for there to be no pain. If there was no pain, there would be no joy, and he'd get all the glory.

SO GO LIVE!

I love my friends!

2011-02-23T23:52:00.002-07:00

I love them all. They inspire me, lift me up and ask for nothing in return. I hope I continually lift them up and help them through their problems. I hope I'm an example to them of something important and good.

I want to become a definition for persistence. Maybe not a literal one, where you look up the dictionary and see 'Jordan Jarman' there. But a good example of never giving up.

HECK YEAH!

A friend of mine, Cameron, has a video blog he has done consistently for the last 18-19 days. Another friend of mine just barely started a blog to list all of her a-ha moments she has.

And yet another is thinking of starting a video log. And for those that don't know, I have one as well, where I actually haven't talked about my addiction and such. It's mostly rambles about my day and some stuff about writing and gaming.

Epiphany > Apology

2011-02-23T13:02:00.002-07:00

I had a huge epiphany about myself as I was waiting for toast to finish toasting in the toaster... toasterly.

Anyway, I know why I got the feelings I did from that email. My mentor, Aneladee, helped me figure out that I love connecting to people. If I can't talk to said person, I'm not connecting. So that's like denying a part of me to be.

No wonder I had those feelings! I feel way better now. And I lied. I'm trying to stop(lying). The email was from a friend of mine's mother, who emailed me to tell me not to talk to her daughter while she was studying.

Huge fail on my part. Duh. So I owe said mother and daughter an apology and a thanks. lol.

I'm so confusing!

2011-02-23T11:42:00.003-07:00

Last post I talked about swearing and how it doesn't affect me. And then I get a random spam mail from someone I don't know that said I shouldn't talk to them. I don't even KNOW this person, but it hurt. WTF!? My stomach is churning. Repeat: I don't KNOW this person. I've never met them before in my life, and my stomach still did belly flops and such... WTF? Or in Mando'a, tion'meg te kark?

Hmm.

2011-02-22T21:40:00.002-07:00

Today at dance, during a really hard part (for me), I think I may have sworn. If you don't know me, or are new to my blog, I'm telling you now. I have quite the temper when I get mad. And I'm afraid I'm switching my addiction for the lesser (in my opinion) of two evils. Addiction or language?

I honestly don't mind swearing. In music, in movies, just generally, unless there's a ton of it or from someone I know that doesn't swear a lot, it just doesn't bug me. I've numbed myself against it, unfortunately.

If I had to choose right now between a problem with swearing and a problem with my addiction, I would take swearing every time. But I would rather have neither than one.

Six Months

2011-02-22T12:27:00.003-07:00

There's a chance that, because of my addiction (ever annoying thing that I'm beating quite handily now with some Heavenly help) and the program I'm going through, I may be held back from going on my mission. For six months.

*derp*

Not really liking that, but if that's how the situation ends up, I'm going to be mad and happy. More time to get ready, but it'll be weird going out when I'm 19 ½ instead of 19.

*shrugs* What comes, comes.

MOVE

2011-02-14T17:01:00.002-07:00

"Move if you just feel like breaking"

-MOVE by Thousand Foot Krutch.

I've been thinking about this a lot. I used to think he meant dancing, and maybe that's all he means, but there are some other things we can take from this.

Move, an action of movement or exerted force, if you feel like you're about to break, or fragment. Moving possibly towards something that heals?

Moving to get away from what's breaking us. And if that's sin, then are we moving towards repentance and God, or away from Him and His plan for us?

2011-02-08T19:20:00.003-07:00

Replace 'hate' 'pain' etc for the problem you're facing. Anger, fear, addiction, most of them work.

I'm With You

2011-01-30T14:11:00.002-07:00

Another Linkin Park's songs lyrics, or a part of the song:

Fear is how I fall

Confusing what is real

How often does fear make us fall? It's one reason I haven't been posting here, on this blog. I'm so scared to share the Gospel and be mocked for what I believe that I don't bring it up often. I'm afraid to do so, because I don't want my mind to be changed. I'm absolutely certain that what I know to be truth is truth. But I know that I'm rather lacking in the area of self-discipline right now, so my opinion can be swayed unfortunately easily. I don't want to lose what I believe in confusion in the other truths in different religions.

I honestly believe that every religion has a bit of truth. A cut out of the whole picture.

And asking me not to talk about the Gospel defeats the point of this blog. I'm living it.

I feel prompted to post this.

2011-01-29T22:47:00.003-07:00

It's from a secret blog that you won't know about aside from this post, where I put down exactly what I'm feeling.

Here are lyrics to a Linkin Park song. Think of them at first as if he's talking about a relationship between two people; a man and a woman. Common relationship issues, maybe.

Read them.

Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the pain attached to them
Sometimes I wonder why this is happening
It's like nothing I can do would distract me when
I think of how I shot myself in the back again
'Cause from the infinite words I could say I
Put all pain you gave to me on display
But didn't realize instead of setting it free I
Took what I hated and made it a part of me

(Never goes away)
(Never goes away)

[Chorus]
(And now)
(You've become a part of me)
(You'll always be right here)
(You've become a part of me)
(You'll always be my fear)
(I can't separate)
(Myself from what I've done)
(Giving up a part of me)
(I've let myself become you)

Hearing your name the memories come back again
I remember when it started happening
I see you in every thought I had and then
The thoughts slowly found words attached to them
And I knew as they escaped away
I was committing myself to them and everyday
I regret saying those things cuz now I see that I
Took what I hated and made it a part of me

(Never goes away)
(Never goes away)

[Chorus]
(And now)
(You've become a part of me)
(You'll always be right here)
(You've become a part of me)
(You'll always be my fear)
(I can't separate)
(Myself from what I've done)
(Giving up a part of me)
(I've let myself become you)

(Never goes away)
(Never goes away)
(Never goes away)
(Never goes away)

(Get away from me)
Give me my space back you gotta just
(Go)
Everything comes down the memories of
(You)
I've kept it in but now I'm letting you
(Know)
I let you go so get away from
(Me)
Give me my space back you gotta just
(Go)
Everything comes down the memories of
(You)
I've kept it but now I'm letting you
(Know)
I let you go

(And now)
(You've become a part of me)
(You'll always be right here)
(You've become a part of me)
(You'll always be my fear)
(I can't separate)
(Myself from what I've done)
(Giving up a part of me)
(I've let myself become you)

I've let myself become you
I've let myself become lost inside these thoughts of you
Giving up a part of me, I've let myself become you

Now look at them as if the singer (Mike Shinoda) is talking about Satan.

So what am I saying here?

Addictions. Looking at or hearing or paying any sort of attention to pornography or the affects of drugs and how the high can make you feel is extremely dangerous. Our minds are like a hard drive.

Have you ever truly erased something on a hard drive? My uncle bought a few HDD's a while back and had access to a machine with a Military grade data eraser on it. When he ran the file checker, it founds bits and pieces of the data still there.

Our minds are like this. When we look at something or hear something or experience something addictive, it stays with us.

Fighting it is hard. It's extremely hard, and anyone that tells you different is either lying or hasn't really been addicted. How do I know this?

Because I'm addicted to something. It's karking hard to break, but I'm not giving up. I won't give up, ever, because I know I have this weakness to better myself.

I won't let this become any more a part of me than it already is. The thoughts inside my head aren't the thoughts I should be having. I'm recognizing this now: I need to change my thoughts, and I've been given the upbringing to know how to do so.

Nephi said that God will never give us something that we cannot beat. Faith doesn't make things easy. It makes things possible. Like repentance. So what do we need? Faith and courage and a strong will to break what we're bound to.

Thinking about your failures, every time you failed to break the addiction entirely, isn't something I'd recommend. If you do it at all, use it as a tool to spurn yourself forward, not a tool to bring yourself down. That's Satan's job; to bring us down lower than what we are.

What are we? We are spiritual Sons and Daughters of God. A loving and eternal Father in Heaven that knows our needs and wants and fears and hopes. Including the hope and want to break an addiction. He's there for us, always.

So what's my point?

Addictions become parts of us. Through faith and repentence and a firm relience on Him and His Gospel, we can break it. I've tried it without Him. I lasted two days. I tried it with Him. I lasted three weeks and even had withdrawls. I'm at the point where I'm looking forward to having those withdrawls again, because that means I'm CLOSER to BREAKING the addiction instead of being a slave to it for forever.

I'm not going to apologize on my blog. If you aren't interested in what I have to say, don't follow me. If it seemed rambly, oh well. At least these thoughts are out of my head and into pixels. By putting them into pixels, I'm saying that they're important to someone. In this case, myself.

-Jordan

If you could live anywhere on earth for the rest of your life, where would it be?

2011-01-24T19:42:00.001-07:00

Er. Wherever I have internet.

Ask me anything

A blog post!? From ME!?

2011-01-20T17:33:00.002-07:00

Astounding, isn't it. I found a really old version of a draft I'd printed out in a little blue binder in my bedroom when I was looking for something to read. The grammar was so bad that I had to stop at page 11. I read most of the version I was working on this morning, and the difference was amazing. AMAZING.
I don't want to brag. I dislike it when people brag. Anyway, my writing has gone up a lot in skill since I started.

That #Archons mess, what do you think should be done about them?

2011-01-16T14:03:00.001-07:00

Ugh. I support Trek RPers, (as I am one) but there's a point where they go way too far. I heard a speech once about not getting offended at what other people say, and honestly I think they need to read the same thing.
And you're a tabloid. Seriously, TABLOID. You're doing your job, in my opinion, and if they can't take a joke, that's their problem - but going after legal solutions to do so is taking it too far.

Ask me anything

Hiya! My friend told me about this website that gives away a $1,000 Best Buy Gift Card and they let you to keep it for FREE! All I did was submit my eMail address and it came via FedEx 5-6 days later! Score yours today before they halt this giveaway: http

2011-01-11T18:50:00.001-07:00

I love how the URL is cut off.

Ask me anything

$1,000 Best Buy Gift Card! FREE! http://slurl4.com/83d143

2011-01-11T18:49:00.007-07:00

NO way. I didn't know this was spam! I NEVER would've guessed. XD

Ask me anything

wow there are giving away best buy gift cards to college students http://shorten.ws/1c2ffc

2011-01-11T18:49:00.005-07:00

-_-

Ask me anything

If you could do anything, right now, what would you do?

2011-01-11T18:49:00.003-07:00

*noms food* <<<

Ask me anything

cant believe i just got a best buy gift card from these guys http://www.bitly.nl/7e4be8

2011-01-11T18:49:00.001-07:00

NOWAI. Danged spammers.

Ask me anything

What do you consider romantic?

2011-01-11T18:48:00.003-07:00

Eh. Going to see a sunset.

Ask me anything

If you were asked to describe yourself, what would you say about the kind of person you are? How about how you look?

2011-01-11T18:48:00.001-07:00

Physically: Slightly slouched wild-haired teenage-boy with large ears. Personality-wise: Calm (usually), a bit nonchalant (unfortunately), and somewhat funny.

Ask me anything

What do you do to relax after a bad day?

2011-01-11T18:46:00.001-07:00

Get onto twitter. xD

Ask me anything

hello babe are you a member of any other socialnetworking website?

2011-01-10T21:42:00.001-07:00

LOL. Er.

Ask me anything

RPing

2011-01-05T13:01:00.003-07:00

RP rant. Disregard if you don't RP or know what I'm talking about.

So many characters I've seen on Twitter RP do /not/ live up to the character they're portraying. Yes, part of the fun of RPing is /being/ that character and making a few twists of your own on it, but there's the integrity of the character that I feel is sometimes killed off.
Examples:
Jar-Jar binks wouldn't launch into an in-character swear-riddled rant about how Anakin was being a punk.
Harry Kim wouldn't willingly launching himself into a bar fight. Not MU Harry Kim, the NORMAL Harry Kim. That's something Tom Paris might do, but not Harry.

Those aren't real situations that I've seen, but I've seen some involving real characters that have definitely made my eyebrows raise.

What's your dream car?

2010-12-27T17:30:00.001-07:00

Something that I'll never get into an accident in lol

Ask me anything

If you could ask God one question what would it be?

2010-12-27T17:16:00.001-07:00

Why would I ask one? I can pray and ask as many as I want lol

Ask me anything

What do you think about formspring.me so far?

2010-12-27T17:15:00.003-07:00

eh.

Ask me anything

Where'd you find out about formspring.me?

2010-12-27T17:15:00.001-07:00

Roleplayers on twitter.

Ask me anything

If you were given a brand new yacht, what would you name it?

2010-12-27T17:14:00.001-07:00

The Rogus.

Ask me anything

FAVORITE..... bible verse?

2010-12-19T11:16:00.005-07:00

Er. Joshua 1:9 is awesome...

Ask me anything

If you could be on any game show, what show would you be on?

2010-12-19T11:16:00.003-07:00

MEET THE RPERS

Ask me anything

Favorite movie quote?

2010-12-19T11:16:00.001-07:00

I have way too many.

Ask me anything

Favorite movie?

2010-12-19T11:15:00.009-07:00

Reign of Fire.

Ask me anything

Favorite flavor of ice cream?

2010-12-19T11:15:00.007-07:00

chocolate chip cookie dough ftew

Ask me anything

Favorite song?

2010-12-19T11:15:00.005-07:00

AHH. Er. One Step Closer.

Ask me anything

Favorite animal?

2010-12-19T11:15:00.003-07:00

DRAGONS.

Ask me anything

What's your favorite RP quote?

2010-12-19T11:15:00.001-07:00

@SpyCasey Casey Eirever-Starks to
@SpiceCassandra *Comms* *Leaves a message* Cass? It's me. Comm me when you get this. Please? Love you

@GeneralGrevious to
@SpyCasey *hears a wrong number on his walkie talkie* Love you too

Made me LOL so hard.

Ask me anything

Posting on Steph's blog

2010-12-13T21:13:00.000-07:00

http://puelladei.blogspot.com/2010/12/13-things-and-semi-guest-writer.html

I wrote that post, lol, Steph's been in a bit of a spot with the homework and asked me to post. Hopefully I don't kill her dead with the oddities XDDD

How was your dance performance the other night?

2010-12-10T18:26:00.001-07:00

Uhm AWESOME. :D

Ask me anything

Hmm... Favorite author?

2010-12-08T15:48:00.005-07:00

@brandonsandrson

Ask me anything

Who's the funniest person you know?

2010-12-08T15:48:00.003-07:00

OH. Hmm. @GiltrapAwesome, @SeanSplosive, @jrgifford, @_Darth_Jesus, @DarkSideLawyer...

Ask me anything

If you could only watch one TV show what would it be?

2010-12-08T15:48:00.001-07:00

I don't watch TV anyway...Psych?

Ask me anything

What's your favorite movie quote?

2010-12-08T15:47:00.001-07:00

"Assimilate this." *fires* #startrek #worf #firstcontact

Ask me anything

Who's your favorite band?

2010-12-08T15:46:00.005-07:00

LINKIN PARK.

Ask me anything

If you could ask George W. Bush one question what would it be?

2010-12-08T15:46:00.003-07:00

erm. Hi?

Ask me anything

What's the kindest thing someone has ever done for you?

2010-12-08T15:46:00.001-07:00

IDK. Being interviewed ATM tho. Most hilarious interview ever, and @Pellaeon_IRL's being great about it. :D

Ask me anything

Why do you get asked so many damn questions and I don't? :(

2010-12-08T15:45:00.003-07:00

XD Click on "Ask me questions" at teh bottom and it gives you more :D

Ask me anything

What 3 things do you think will become obsolete in the next ten years?

2010-12-08T15:45:00.001-07:00

ME. my EARS. and my TOES. AI'm hyper eh?

Ask me anything

Have you ever been fired? If so, why?

2010-12-08T15:44:00.001-07:00

Oh, I thought that said fried. Then I thought it said tired. Was like: WTF!?

Ask me anything

Would you rather be really hot or really cold?

2010-12-08T15:43:00.005-07:00

HOT.

Ask me anything

What was your favorite book as a child?

2010-12-08T15:43:00.003-07:00

IDK, but I'm getting chills randomly.

Ask me anything

Chocolate or Vanilla?

2010-12-08T15:43:00.001-07:00

BOTH. IN A CAKE. And Ice cream. :3

Ask me anything

Would you rather date a lot of different people, or be in a committed relationship?

2010-12-08T15:42:00.007-07:00

Dateeeeeeee.

Ask me anything

What's the most delicious meal you've ever had?

2010-12-08T15:42:00.005-07:00

MY TOES. JK. Erm. STROGANOFF.

Ask me anything

Would you rather work at a large company or a small one?

2010-12-08T15:42:00.003-07:00

Smallllll.

Ask me anything

If you could eliminate one thing you do each day in the bathroom so you never had to do it again, what would it be?

2010-12-08T15:42:00.001-07:00

LOL.

Ask me anything

Who's the sexiest woman alive?

2010-12-08T15:38:00.001-07:00

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEee. JK.

Ask me anything

I suggest you get writing then. :P

2010-12-08T15:36:00.001-07:00

Been busy with Dance, Ayslinn. :P

Ask me anything

Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

2010-12-08T15:35:00.001-07:00

With Waldo. :O

Ask me anything

Did you ever finish Kira's story?

2010-12-08T15:31:00.001-07:00

Unfortunately, not yet. D:

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-12-08T15:26:00.001-07:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/JordanJ

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

2010-12-04T21:43:00.001-07:00

I don't have the foggiest clue. o_O

Ask me anything

How She Sees

2010-11-14T22:08:00.006-07:00

For those that could be confused, this is how Kira sees when she's blind. Well, blind in our way of thinking. She can still see, kind of.

This is how we would see the hallway.

That's how Kira sees the hallway. Minus a few minor details that I was too lazy to edit out.

What happens to Kira next?

2010-11-08T07:34:00.001-07:00

Oh, I have the entire storyline plotted out. Do you really want to know?

Ask me anything

What was the worst job you've ever had?

2010-11-07T19:41:00.009-07:00

I can't say that. Well, I could, but I don't want to. P.S., filing taxes sucks.

Ask me anything

What did you dream about last night?

2010-11-07T19:41:00.007-07:00

Good question.

Ask me anything

Where'd you find out about formspring.me?

2010-11-07T19:41:00.005-07:00

Twitter RPers.

Ask me anything

If you won a $1,000 shopping spree for any store, which store would you pick?

2010-11-07T19:41:00.003-07:00

www.brickarms.com and www.bricklink.com, and then go to www.walmart.com and buy an epicamera, and a epitripod. :3

Ask me anything

A dragon's scroll

Don't expect another post here.

If you wrote your autobiography, what would the title be?

How are you? Do you miss me? Cause I don't miss me, cause I'm with me, and all the funny voices in my head. Do you have funny voices in your head? I get in arguments with them a lot. I've stopped talking to them, it has been a week since we've last talked

Are you planning on serving a mission?

what's your top 5 horror movies?

hello there have a nice day btw i just typed in a random name in the URL so yeah um but you're cool

Uh, okay, fail, Blogger?

Shader

Scaring myself

*blinkblink*

Sometimes

Happy

Writing; let's see if what comes out makes sense.

Hmm.

What do you think the world will be like in 50 years?

?

Quotes from, er, well, me...

They scream 'Faceless' at me

I wish

Reversing the negative

Mewd Battlez

Do you believe in ghosts? Why or why not?

Are you better at using your brain or your brawn?

Grateful

Fight inside and Death of Me by Red

Eating habits

Feeling emo

My daily goals

Music

Weird.

Stolen from my Tumblr

I Have a Website

Impact

Smack Down

I love my friends!

Epiphany > Apology

I'm so confusing!

Hmm.

Six Months

MOVE

I'm With You

I feel prompted to post this.

If you could live anywhere on earth for the rest of your life, where would it be?

A blog post!? From ME!?

That #Archons mess, what do you think should be done about them?

Hiya! My friend told me about this website that gives away a $1,000 Best Buy Gift Card and they let you to keep it for FREE! All I did was submit my eMail address and it came via FedEx 5-6 days later! Score yours today before they halt this giveaway: http

$1,000 Best Buy Gift Card! FREE! http://slurl4.com/83d143

wow there are giving away best buy gift cards to college students http://shorten.ws/1c2ffc

If you could do anything, right now, what would you do?

cant believe i just got a best buy gift card from these guys http://www.bitly.nl/7e4be8

What do you consider romantic?

If you were asked to describe yourself, what would you say about the kind of person you are? How about how you look?

What do you do to relax after a bad day?

hello babe are you a member of any other socialnetworking website?

RPing

What's your dream car?

If you could ask God one question what would it be?

What do you think about formspring.me so far?

Where'd you find out about formspring.me?

If you were given a brand new yacht, what would you name it?

FAVORITE..... bible verse?

If you could be on any game show, what show would you be on?

Favorite movie quote?

Favorite movie?

Favorite flavor of ice cream?

Favorite song?

Favorite animal?

What's your favorite RP quote?

Posting on Steph's blog

How was your dance performance the other night?

Hmm... Favorite author?

Who's the funniest person you know?

If you could only watch one TV show what would it be?

What's your favorite movie quote?

Who's your favorite band?

If you could ask George W. Bush one question what would it be?

What's the kindest thing someone has ever done for you?

Why do you get asked so many damn questions and I don't? :(

What 3 things do you think will become obsolete in the next ten years?

blinkblink