Wednesday, April 27, 2011


Er, okay, so here goes:
Don't worship book series. Seriously, Harry Potter, Twilight, Wheel of Time, etc, they're still just books. Yeah, they may have some moral value, etc., but in the end they're probably not going to lead you to salvation, save your soul, and stuff like that. And especially Harry Potter and Twilight. Wheel of Time is FULL of Christian symbolism and such, but HP and Twitard? Yeah, there's some good stuff in HP, Twitard is just a good example of an abusive relationship (and a bunch of other creepy stuff), but in the end, it shouldn't be worshipped.
It shouldn't be your heart, mind and soul.

Saturday, April 23, 2011


I really don't know myself. I know what I would DO in situations, but does that mean I know me?
This should be a fascinating thing. A discovery of a new person inside an old shell. But right now I'm finding that I'm shell-shocked to discover that a lot of me was in my addiction. I hate it. Now that it's gone/being removed, I'm finding that I really don't know myself. I don't know what's around my core. My core is connection. But what's the filing in-between that and the shell?

On a random note, I truly do try not to care about my followers on buzz, twitter, etc., but since my core is connecting, and BEING CONNECTED to people, it's bothering me. Someone unfollows me on buzz and I wonder, "Did I say something wrong? Did I not reach out?"
Twitter is slightly different. There are so many bots that mostly I don't care, but when my lists go from like 40 to 32 in a day, it's a bit of a downer. I shouldn't care. I try not to. But it still irks me a bit.

Friday, April 22, 2011


I’m happy. ALL THE TIME now. I love it. I love life right now. I’m amazed by God continually.


Sunday, April 17, 2011

Writing; let's see if what comes out makes sense.

Yep, so, I want to make a habit of writing my thoughts down and having them MAKE SENSE. This may be a challenge for me. I'm not entirely spaghetti-brained (A tv OH LOOK a remote OH LOOK buttons PRESS THE BUTTONS... basically) but I do have a tendency to get VERY off topic.
I tend to gravitate towards lyrics. I, at my core, just want to connect to people. I'm figuring out what that means more and more, but if music is the language of the soul, then it makes sense that I gravitate towards songs and their messages. We're heavenly beings inside and earthly, mortal shell having a mortal experience, but at our core we're still beings of light, unless we give ourself to the Devil. Everyone has the light of Christ inside.
So everyone has a soul.
If everyone has a soul, and everyone's souls can connect with music, which is their language, then no wonder everyone likes music. I'm not exactly one to get around physically, but never have I met someone in person or virtually that dislikes all music. Rap, yes. Country, yes. Pop, yes. All music with all of its flavors and genres and etc? No. If I do, then I'm going to study this person intently, because I want to know what it is about them that makes them dislike music.
And if said person doesn't like the language of souls, of spirits, do they also not like souls/spirits themselves?

It's been said that I'm a very weird person. Well, honestly, I don't really care. I'm myself, that's good enough for God, that's good enough for those that love me, and while I'm always trying to improve, that's good enough for me as well.
This begs the question, what of the people who aren't liked? If you attract things that have the same amount of light as you, or similar light, and you attract people who're nearly surviving with the lights out, what does that say about you? Your character? Your very being?
Are you a creature of both worlds, of light and dark, or are you a creature of light living in a shadow?
Was I that person? Back when I was still in the addiction?
Nay. Every so often I would have a thought burst in that said "I should not be in this. I'm too good to do this."
I dislike vanity. I really do. I want to be humble. I wish I was more humble.
Being humble, however, isn't being powerless. Meek is not weak. I'm not saying I'm overly powerful or extremely awesome because of that thought I had. I don't want to come across as vain, either.
YET. I have the friends that I have, and we attract the same light that we have inside. I have extremely powerful friends. Madi, Cameron, Kirsten, Hilton, Josh, Lacy... they're all powerful beyond measure. And while I may not be quite to that level yet, I'm working at it. I apparently have some part of that inside of me, so yes, I am powerful. The part of me inside, the soul, broke out every so often and said "GET OUT OF THIS, I'M DYING IN HERE". A few minutes ago, I didn't see that. Now I do.
I'm weird because I'm not afraid to be myself online. I'm usually a quiet, nonchalant, controlled person. Then you get me online and I say things like "ohyes" "I love you!" "YOU'RE AMAZING" and I write posts like this one and the one previous, and I'm an entirely different person, it seems like.
If I have to be weird to be myself, so be it. Maybe your perception of weird or mine of normal is flawed in the first place. We are, after all, every one of us a child of God.

Well, that made sense, hopefully, now if I could only figure out what my message was. Be yourself and don't apologize; if you're following God's commandments, if you're causing many more true smiles than tears, if you're lifting instead of dragging down, then it would seem to me that you're a good man or woman.
Be yourself - but be the you God meant you to be.

Thursday, April 14, 2011


Sometimes I don't think I'm a leader at all. Other times, like now, I'm not sure. In tense situations, I don't see what needs to be done. I wait for someone else to point it out, and then if they need help, I do it. I'm a follower. It takes strength to be a follower. My dad is a bit of an example. He's not really a leader. He and mom, together, lead the family. I think that's how it should be. I'm not really sure on that point, either.
I have goals. A big one is NaNoWriMo. Write 50k in a month, well, that was easy. It wasn't hard the first time, the second time, the time after that or last November. I have determination, but that's the only thing I have it for. Writing. The only reason I got out of my addiction was because a friend of mine basically shoved me into a program. I knew what I was doing was wrong, I knew about the program, but without him, I wouldn't have ever gotten into it unless someone led me to that point and shoved me in.
And then sometimes I think I'm becoming a leader. It's weird. And it's not in the way I expected. It's not out of the computer most of the time... usually it's in gaming. I've noticed that when I start suggesting for people to do things, THEY FOLLOW on Combat Arms now. Maybe it's because I'm generally not a jerk online like 98% of the people my rank. I'm (hopefully) generally fun to be around.
An example would be a Rattlesnake game. I told someone that there were three on top of the stairs and if they had an accurate gun (SCAR-L, M416-M417, G36E) they could get headshots and take them out quickly. Within thirty seconds, four of us were on top of the stairs and someone had gotten either a multi or an ultra kill (I can't remember which). After that, when we were in the box room, we were being boxed in (puny right? xD) and the opposing team was coming in. I said, "Someone sneak around and take them from behind while we hold them off" and someone actually did. The second-best player on the team (I don't remember his username, just that he had a skull mask, a tanker vest and used a G36E) did what I suggested and ended up getting a fantastic (w00t) and owned the opposing team. For the rest of that match, I made suggestions and someone followed through.
That's one kind of leading. How about leading myself?
I have strengths that I use to lead myself. Today's a massive battlefield for spiritual salvation. So many people are numb out there. I was one, and then after I broke (woke up), I started feeling, and I realized that I'm honorable. It was a VERY WEIRD REALIZATION FOR ME. I have a bit of a problem with self-loathing, but even in that state I realized that I'm honorable. Even Danny pointed it out. I said that I didn't want to go on my mission if I wasn't ready, and he said that I knew myself well enough to know my faults and if I really am ready or not. I was honorable to admit that I was not clean enough to go on my mission yet.
I'm SO CLOSE to being ready. SO CLOSE! I'm working rapidly on being worthy to enter the Temple again. Something I've been looking forward to since I started doing Sons of Helaman.
I'm leading myself to happiness. Since I was kinda shoved into Sons of Helaman, I've really been working at it. This is day 66, and I'm still rocking. I'm having mood battles, and they're still ruthless, but I'm having much more control over being happy or not. I'm grinning right now. :D I like being happy.
So... I am a leader, then. Maybe not a leader of men... but a leader of a man.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

What do you think the world will be like in 50 years?

Hopefully a bit more filled with love, caring, and compassion than ours is today.

Ask me anything


What do you say when you don't know what you are anymore?
What do you do when you can't tell how you're feeling?
What do you think when you know you are not numb, but you aren't nonchalant either?
How do I move when I already am?
How do I love more when my heart's already full to bursting?
How do I survive through the mood battles more and more?

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Quotes from, er, well, me...

"Love is bigger than anything, for love has no form. It simply is. It exists, it permeates everything, for it has no shape, and it is not limited in the physical. It is in itself a multiplicity of feelings, of words, thoughts, and actions in their purest form."

“Hugging: The ability to share deep, powerful emotions without saying anything. The act of loving without asking anything in return. The power to heal and the will to accept someone into your heart.”

And one Madi said that I redid:

‎”Love is unmeasurable. It cannot be stolen, nor bartered or traded. It cannot be bought nor sold, but only earned. If hoarded, it disappears - but it cannot be given too much, because it is as limitless as the hearts that contain it.” ~Madi Duggar
(I took her words and reworded it a bit, but it’s still totally hers.)

She’s awesome, pretty much.

Now I need to take on of Cameron's quotes and re-word it >_>

Friday, April 1, 2011

They scream 'Faceless' at me

I'm not I'm not myself
Feel like I'm someone else
Rotten and faceless
So hollow hollow inside
A part of me is dead
Need you to live again
Can you replace this
I'm hollow hollow and faceless

I've said it before. But I know WHY they repeat it endlessly. I'm finding myself, FINALLY. Not the me of the past 5 years. The kid before that. The one that's waking up again. The one that says let's kick some ass in this spiritual war. The one that says BRING IT ON. The one that stood up for himself.
Satan and his minions don't want that Jordan. They want the pathetic one, the idiot one that rationalized EVERYTHING that got him into the mess he was in. That ain't me anymore. Repentance is getting a whole new block of wood, I think this block of wood came with an upgraded package called 'backbone and brains'.
I get inspiration, I get knowledge, I get GOING when I get ANGRY. Because then my mind forces itself to 'autocorrect' and it snaps back where it should be - the straight and narrow. I get angry, and I get smart.
Satan's intent right now is simply to bring me down. That's all the mood battles do.
Well, at Sons of Helaman, we have a little session where we basically ask, "What did you do to piss Satan off this week?"
That's where I am right now. I'm sick of being trodden on, made fun of, mocked, cursed, and scorn inside of MY OWN HEAD by him.

The line's been drawn. Turn it up a notch, I dare you.

I wish

I wish I was better at Lindy.
That I didn't forget my steps,
that I always remembered to lift.
I wish that I was a better friend.
That I truly knew exactly what they needed to hear,
and how to phrase it.
I wish these mood battles would go away.

But none of it's gonna happen unless I act.

“Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan "press on" has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race”

The ONLY thing that's going to get me better at Lindy is to pay closer attention, to focus more and more on being able to make my mind control my body, instead of the other way around. The only way I'm going to be a better friend is if I become a better follower of Christ.

And the only way to survive a mood battle is pray.